2019.01.19

Last winter I hit the existential void where all purposes became purposeless. This winter due to the summerish weather of Taiwan, I perform much better and have no show of emotional turbulence.  Time warps so differently here. Each day flies too fast to the point where it gets scary to look at the calendar. These days I couldn’t even recall what happened 24hours ago. The past runaway so fast and so far away. Things happened yesterday felt like they belong to the ancient times already. I become more and more accustom to dump my past into the time machine. Let it shred everything so nothing will have a long-term hidden effect on me. 

This is the first time I devoted chunk of my time solely on one painting regardless its size. The pleasure of concentrating on one thing for three weeks is rather therapeutic. Even when I’m jogging, my mind won’t stop swamp me with thoughts and shits. However with how this mural painting progressed, I could reach a certain level of flow where my mind really become blank, only the repetition of my arms and hands do the work for me. Sometimes I would suddenly stop for a few seconds and was amazed by the emptiness of my mind just now. What a way of practicing meditation.

One of the mysteries I still haven’t got to solve is the disassociation with my own appearance. I still couldn’t relate what I see in the mirror to who I think I am. The face and the concept of me is still not in harmony. I would look into the mirror, frown a bit and pinch my face saying “what is this. who is this. is it really me? whose face is it….” I’ve talked to several friends about it and  quite of them said “you should really try drugs because that’s how it feels, to disconnect with yourself.”  “You are only on the surface of your potential. Try it to expand your consciousness.” Well, I don’t really want to mess up my brain with those stimulants. Music and coffee are the best creative shot for me. People who rely on those leaves are less strong I assume. 

“And it’s gonna cure your depression. You are sick. You need to talk to a therapist.” I used to believe I have problem but that reality created by my friend is so untrue. I was accused of having problem and I believed into it. I surely do have winter blues and seasonal affective disorder that’s why Im in taiwan where the sun is high and plants are green all the time. Winter in Toronto killed me years after years without any mercy. 

Why could you live a life like this, free and wild? My answer would be because I faced death and I chose to stay alive. If money can buy me another life form, I would choose any plants, animals, just not human beings. We are trapped in this form,  the only way to liberate from this body made prison is to use our brains to think and wonder, to go beyond the physical world. 

It’s quite amazing how my mood become so stable the whole time in Taiwan. No panic, no emotional breakdown, not much angry moments neither. I know I will find out certain odds if I stay long enough like a year or two. Time is so magical. It brings out the best and the worst of us. No one can hide the truth. Time will tell.

I haven’t wrote anything this long for quite a while. Just some inconsistent summaries of who I am here and now. 

Life is so strange…people are so weird…I don’t understand any of them but as least I can laugh about it. The absurdity, stupidity and futility of life experience.